I have struggled for a long time to find the right words to describe what I am feeling. I am not sure that I do, but I can better articulate them.
I am mad at you.
Yes, anger is what I feel mostly. But not the fiery type. No, this is more subtle. It masks itself as pain and hurt, but then one night while tossing on my bed, unable to sleep from the tightness in my chest and the wrenching pain in my heart, it finally came to me.
I realized then that beyond the pain and the heart break, was a smoldering anger. I really am mad at you.
I am mad at you because you believed that what others say can affect the way that I feel about you and would make me want to leave you. I am mad at you because you gave up on us so easily – I would have loved you to try just one more time. I hate that you listened to what others are saying and because of that walked away.
I hate that you think so little of me; thinking I would care less for any reason. I am mad that you were so blind to the blinding affection shimmering underneath the calm exterior. I am sad that you do not realize just how much you mean to me, and how without thinking twice, I would drop everything for you and would willingly turn my life upside down just to make space for you.
Yes I am really mad at you, for even thinking that because I am with someone else that you have no more space in my life, and for saying it to me, and for believing it, and choosing to walk away. I will not chase you any longer, you can stay away if that makes you happy. I am done trying to make you stay, fighting to keep you close to me.
I have always said that you do not need me, and I see it clearly. In my absence you have blossomed, almost like being with me was what made you look drab and dull. Now, you are a butterfly, colorful. You now adorn yourself with new clothing, looking regal and gorgeous. It is almost like you are celebrating your freedom from us; it is like being together was a prison.
I am happy that you are happy, but sad that I couldn’t make you happy, and that you are happier without me. I deluded myself into thinking that I could make you happy but now I know that I was wrong, and that hurts. I am sad that it took so little for you to give up on us. Did you really believe in us? I don’t think so.
So long dear. I wish you all the happiness that you deserve.