You get me, all of me — and I miss you; on days when I want to share a part of me with someone – which is every day, I think of you, and thinking of you, is painful.
I get you too; all of you. I know what your frown means, the way your lips purse when you are displeased, the way you fold your arms when you are sulking. I get your fears, and your insecurities; I know you, and I know I can push you to greatness – to do things you did not know you could do, and things you are too afraid to do. You need me, and I can spend my whole life for you, and would gladly do so.
I need you. The way that you make me feel – I need you to need me, to give me value and to make me feel special. When you run to me for comfort and lean to me for support, I get giddy and ecstatic; the feeling is indescribable. It is amazing that someone as unique and strong as you needs me; I feel like a superhuman.
You share my passions and enjoy them with me. I cannot get over the fact that you would sit with me on the piano and sing along with me. I am so extremely shy about playing for a live audience, because I do not consider myself good enough, and I don’t like looking incompetent at anything. But I don’t feel that way with you; you do not make me feel anxious about not being good enough. In your eyes, I was always good enough. Nowadays, I enjoy my music alone, and sometimes, the melody tastes bland.
The world was brighter with you, and full of colours. I felt alive, the world had meaning, I knew my place and that was beside you, behind you, in front of you….and on top of you. You rocked my world whether on top or beneath.
One of the best feelings in the world is being desired, and it is with you I first experienced that. You wanted all of me, not just the good but also the bad and the ugly. The times we were together, I was a different person, and I was in paradise. With each moment spent, I wanted even more time together – I couldn’t get enough of you.
I have a flaw, and that is not being able to express myself in words. The moment I open my mouth, I ramble. I may not have told you the extent to which I loved you and desired you, and in that I was wrong. I should have told you every chance I got. However, I know I showed it in more ways than words, and my actions said it in ways I didn’t have words to express them. Actions of love though, would always feel like being dressed in under wears, without the words of affection to complement them.
Is that why you left? Because you weren’t sure if I did love you? Did you have doubts despite the numerous ways I showed you how much I truly care? Did you need to hear me say the words more often? Or does it have something to do with your fears and lack of trust in the male folks?
Men are untrustworthy, you always said. You called men wicked and a necessary evil, a specie whose sole aim was to subdue and control. How you hated to be controlled! Perhaps, you didn’t believe me when I said I loved you, and thought it was just a novel way of controlling you? Or maybe you thought there was an ulterior motive to my kindness?
Having doubts and not trusting isn’t wrong, we are all humans and we have our issues to deal with. What is unfair is not talking to me about them, not giving me a chance to convince you. You just walked away, and you expected, even demanded that I understand your reason for leaving. I may be your Mr. fix it, but that is a burden that is bigger than me. I will never understand. When you left, you broke me and forced me into making some choices which were not in my best interest.
Then, you assume I am happy, because I act cool and plaster a smile to my face when really I am dying inside. May be what we had wasn’t special to you, and losing it didn’t really affect you much; to me, it meant everything and when you left, the carpet was swept from under my feet and I can’t find my footing anymore.
I do not hold a grudge against you. No, not in the least, I respect the power of choices and that I want something doesn’t mean you should want the same thing too. I respect your choices, it only hurt. I pray for you, that you will find happiness and be always happy. I love you still, and I know that as long as you are happy, I will be happy. I only wish that I was the one to give you that whole world of happiness. I need you to be happy; I mean that to be happy, I need you, and making you happy is what makes me happy. It is only you that makes me happy.
We are soul-mates. I wonder why our stars did not align, it is mind-boggling. I will let you in on a secret, thoughts that I think, that are dark and must not be heard by a third ear; thoughts that involve major live events that are not good, but will pave way for us to be together. That is how much I love you and want to be with you. I can’t say beyond this – the ear really must not hear those thoughts, they must never see the light of day.
I am learning to let go, but truth be told, I don’t want to. How can I? And yet I must. I have someone that professes love to me, but I am not so sure. Perhaps, it is because compared to you, no one will ever measure up or stand a chance. You are the epitome of what I want in a partner, you made me know what I really wanted and the things that made me me, and now, everything else is just a bad copy. I doubt if I will ever be happy again, even when I get married and settle down. There can never be more than one soul mate for any individual on Earth, and you were mine.
I will strive each day to be as happy as I can be, and try to make others happy in every relationship – whether filial or romantic. I owe it to myself to be happy and to actively pursue it, but having that fullness, being content, purring like a royal cat and just floating in bliss may never come for me again. I am learning to accept that; life can be unfair and cruel, and we have no control over it. Simply accepting that fact and doing one’s best is the only way to survive.
Do you know that when I feel good, automatically, I think of you? Feeling good and being happy is associated with you and the times we shared; before you, I never really felt happy – I mean really, really happy. Perhaps, it is because I am pretty damaged and have a lot of issues. But with you, all those issues didn’t matter.
Thank you for sharing a part of your life with me. Those days were and still are the best days of my life. If only God had allowed you to be part of my life forever. I miss you every day, it is an ache that is always present. Some days, I can manage, the weight isn’t too heavy to incapacitate me; and then on other days, getting through the day is hard, nearly impossible. Days like today.
I am not sure writing this letter to you is appropriate or the best. That is why I am not going to send it to you. I won’t destroy it either, it was good I poured my heart to you – at least I started writing this in hope that you were going to read it. I will keep this safe, immortalize this day, these feelings, and maybe someday, I will read these words with the hint of a smile and rue the memories. Per chance, we would get to read it together, as a couple.
See? The things I think….
Take care of you babes, I am always thinking about you, and I love you dearly.