Things left unsaid

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You want to scream at her and call her selfish but all you do is stare out the window at the reflections of the sun on the Nissan Primera that is packed under the baobab tree while she rattles on. You cringe inwardly as she hurls insults at you and call you names as she stands over you, each sentence accompanied by gesticulations.

You bite back the retort that is on the tip of your tongue. Instead, you swallow as you struggle to douse the anger welling up within you. You have made a promise to yourself never to get angry at her whenever she throws the tantrums she is wont to throw whenever she doesn’t have her way. Nevertheless, you are pissed.

You scoff when she mentions that she deserves better, seeing as she has sacrificed her happiness for yours. You laugh loudly in your head, a loud and mirthless laugh.

You wonder how someone could be so deluded and clueless. Here was someone that rejected you when you told her you were in love with her. She was afraid of being called names by your friends and couldn’t stand the wagging tongues.

She walked away, right into the arms of another, leaving you broken and battered. Yet she stands over you, her eyes filled with righteous indignation and demands to be treated better because she has sacrificed so much for you.

You want to tell her that you are not happy and that you miss her every moment of everyday and with every fibre of your being. You want to tell her that you miss her even when you are with her because you cannot be with her like you would like to.

You want to tell her that whenever you are not with her, you think about her every time and even in your dreams, she is a prominent feature. You want to tell her that you miss her so much that it hurts.

She calls you mean and ungodly. It hurts you a lot but you do not reply. She accuses you of lying to her that you care while your actions prove otherwise. If only she knew how hard it is for you to stand within five feet of her.

You remember that morning when she had screamed your name over and over as she climaxed and had whispered she loved you. Then when you had told her you wanted her and that you were willing to break your engagement, she had shaken her head and looking into your eyes had said no. You had pleaded and argued and said you couldn’t live with another when your heart was with her.

That day, as she walked away from your house, you had told yourself to move on.

She calls your name and you look at her, for the briefest of moment before you avert your gaze. You cannot look at her. Her large eyes with their bluish-black pupils threaten to drown you, and her lips were a huge distraction.

She launches into another tirade about how callous you are. You want to tell her that it hasn’t been easy for you to see her every day and remain friends with her.

The pain comes in waves and some days are easier than the other. When the tide of pain ebbs, then you can smile and be all sunny and bright; then comes the days of storm and tempest and then you withdraw to yourself.

You have determined not to lose control nor do anything stupid. If it meant you appearing like a jerk, then so be it. You wouldn’t be struggling to hide how much you love her and how much you want to shower her with so much affection and care that will blow her mind away. How you want to hold her in your arms and shield her from all the evil in the world; to show her that she was the only one in your world and that with her, you are content and need nothing more.

If only she knew that she hadn’t done anyone a favor by walking away. You know she is not happy, and you too, are not happy. So, what was the point of her ultimate sacrifice? You do not believe she was sacrificing anything. You know she has a flaw and that was to please everybody at all cost.

When you and her had started getting close, tongues had been wagging and some brows had been raised in disapproval. She hadn’t wanted to be labelled as the bad girl and so she ran away, even when all of her wanted to stay.

Love finds us in the unlikeliest of places and when it does, we should not run away from happiness just because people would not like us nor approve of our choices. We only are the ones that are responsible for our own happiness. It is the nature of people to judge, but they would not be there when we are pining in the darkness, alone and lonely, mourning and longing for love lost.

She tells you that she is convinced you hate her and asks what she has done to make you hate her so. You want to tell that you love her; that you are in love with her and that you never stopped.

You want to tell her that whenever you share a moment with the one you are with, that you feel sad, because it is her that you would rather share your joys and pains with.

You want to tell her, that it is only with her that you want to get naked, literally and figuratively; it is her you want to share everything with. You want to tell her that when you are inside the woman you are with now, that you would rather be inside of her, communicating your affections to her and exploring her depths. That you would rather hear her moans and hear her call your name even as you share moments of intimacy with your partner.

But you do not tell her that. Instead, you sit there, face expressionless and grunt at intervals whenever she asks if you are listening to her. You take all the hurtful words she throws at you, they are nothing compared to the pains you feel; the pains that she inflicted when she threw your love back at you.

And when she is through, you stand up quietly, pick up your bag and leave. Some things are better left unsaid.

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17 Comments Add yours

  1. zikaolofin says:

    Oh dear, it’s difficult to exercise restraint in this kind of situation but that becomes absolutely necessary otherwise things can go awry. I admire the writer’s courage because in the end that’s what he must do-pick up his bag and leave. This is so very real. Well done Topazo.

    1. topazo says:

      Thanks Zee…
      Some things really are better left unsaid no matter the temptation to do otherwise…

  2. Adeleke Julianah says:

    My God…
    Kai…
    I won’t say anything…

    1. topazo says:

      Jules is speechless!
      It’s going to rain today…cats and dogs!

      1. Adeleke Julianah says:

        Oh well. It’s actually raining all kinds of animals. Lols!

  3. Yemie says:

    Oh Wow! This DOES sting to high Heavens…..soul-dipping and extremely sad a situation!😔

    I’ve learnt in life this….’ If you’re fighting really hard for something that’s not fighting for you….LET IT GO, never settle for less than what you deserve; its not pride, its self-respect’! Knowing when to walk away’s WISDOM, Being Able to is COURAGE; walking away with head held high’s DIGNITY, which only the brave can pull off! So, I concur with the Narrator on holding his peace and taking a walk! That was the best thing he coulda done in the circumstances, difficult; even as he dies a slow death within and if his great love; the love of his life and woman of his dream’s unable to look past the maddening crowd and pay the ultimate price of sacrifice; (damning the consequences and turning deaf ears to whatever in the heck any and everyone else says or thinks); which is what love oughta entail; then I wonder where the love really is or perhaps, it isn’t a 50-50 love?! It was one-directional! Maybe! 🙉

    Having said that, what’s the off-chance of moving past a relationship and getting over an ex, who you’re totally into and pretty much still hung, strung and struck on?! Fat Chance!!! Must be real tough! 😔😩

    However do you pull off that disconnect, in trying to maintain a healthy ‘friendship’; after just having gotten together without those oh too familiar ‘not-at-all-old’ feelings raring their ‘boo-tiful’ heads?! How does one do that?! Its a pretty dicey situation, one that will make moving on almost too impossible! Old firewood, na hin dey burn pass, so says a certain proverb and I’d like to think with these two, its gonna be an on and off thing, with one step forward and several back….toxic! 😕

    I hope and pray the Narrator gets past this whole thing, finding true, everlasting love and healing as time progresses; whilst cherishing the moments spent and memories made in that life changing relationship! It is possible! 😉😄

    Beautiful emotionally-ladened composition Doc, so very true to life! Clutches, claws and tugs at the heartstrings as always! Double thumbs up Sir, big ups to ya and do keep ’em tales coming!👍👍😄

    1. topazo says:

      Oh Yemie…
      “However do you pull off that disconnect, in trying to maintain a healthy ‘friendship’; after just having gotten together without those oh too familiar ‘not-at-all-old’ feelings raring their ‘boo-tiful’ heads?! How does one do that?! ”
      This here is the question of the century!
      Your comment is….sizzling hot!

  4. j3mstone says:

    Can I just sigh and go away. This was so beautifully written (as is everything you write). I was so engrossed, I literally (and I actually mean literally) sighed at the end.

    *SIGH*

    1. topazo says:

      Jemstone comes out to play today!
      Hehehe…
      Thanks Jem for your kind words…

  5. me says:

    It does take a lot of self control to hold back when there’s a tide of emotions raging within you… sometimes, it’s better to let it all out, talk it through and iron out doubts; but more often than not, silence saves the day.

    Heart- wrenching bit. Wonderfully inked. Welldone Doc.

    1. topazo says:

      Thanks Me…
      Baring it all out seems enticing but then…some truths are better left to one’s self…

  6. Walt Shakes says:

    *humming Rihanna’s ‘We Found Love In A Hopeless Place’*

    1. topazo says:

      Very apt song…
      Thanks for adding a touch of melancholia to this already sad broth mix… hehehe

  7. The way love finds and knocks one down, one would expect it to be just enough. But then, technicalities come into the scene and make it all hard.

    It hurts, but letting go is the way forward. The SIMPLE way forward.

    This piece, you wrote well (pardon my Yodish).

    1. topazo says:

      As in ehn? Sometimes Love is just intent on killing one…

      Make no mistake Senor Joe, I dig your Yodish!

  8. buqie says:

    Arrrrggghhhh!

    I don’t like this situation at all.
    Yeah, some things are better left unsaid, but for how long?
    How does one go about their day to day activities with all ‘these’ in their head and not lose it someday?

    1. topazo says:

      You ask a most important question buqie! One cannot hold all these in and not burst someday…in fact, functioning daily will take great effort…

      Welcome back o…we’ve missed your comments…or is this just a peep and run? Please say no…

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