You want to scream at her and call her selfish but all you do is stare out the window at the reflections of the sun on the Nissan Primera that is packed under the baobab tree while she rattles on. You cringe inwardly as she hurls insults at you and call you names as she stands over you, each sentence accompanied by gesticulations.
You bite back the retort that is on the tip of your tongue. Instead, you swallow as you struggle to douse the anger welling up within you. You have made a promise to yourself never to get angry at her whenever she throws the tantrums she is wont to throw whenever she doesn’t have her way. Nevertheless, you are pissed.
You scoff when she mentions that she deserves better, seeing as she has sacrificed her happiness for yours. You laugh loudly in your head, a loud and mirthless laugh.
You wonder how someone could be so deluded and clueless. Here was someone that rejected you when you told her you were in love with her. She was afraid of being called names by your friends and couldn’t stand the wagging tongues.
She walked away, right into the arms of another, leaving you broken and battered. Yet she stands over you, her eyes filled with righteous indignation and demands to be treated better because she has sacrificed so much for you.
You want to tell her that you are not happy and that you miss her every moment of everyday and with every fibre of your being. You want to tell her that you miss her even when you are with her because you cannot be with her like you would like to.
You want to tell her that whenever you are not with her, you think about her every time and even in your dreams, she is a prominent feature. You want to tell her that you miss her so much that it hurts.
She calls you mean and ungodly. It hurts you a lot but you do not reply. She accuses you of lying to her that you care while your actions prove otherwise. If only she knew how hard it is for you to stand within five feet of her.
You remember that morning when she had screamed your name over and over as she climaxed and had whispered she loved you. Then when you had told her you wanted her and that you were willing to break your engagement, she had shaken her head and looking into your eyes had said no. You had pleaded and argued and said you couldn’t live with another when your heart was with her.
That day, as she walked away from your house, you had told yourself to move on.
She calls your name and you look at her, for the briefest of moment before you avert your gaze. You cannot look at her. Her large eyes with their bluish-black pupils threaten to drown you, and her lips were a huge distraction.
She launches into another tirade about how callous you are. You want to tell her that it hasn’t been easy for you to see her every day and remain friends with her.
The pain comes in waves and some days are easier than the other. When the tide of pain ebbs, then you can smile and be all sunny and bright; then comes the days of storm and tempest and then you withdraw to yourself.
You have determined not to lose control nor do anything stupid. If it meant you appearing like a jerk, then so be it. You wouldn’t be struggling to hide how much you love her and how much you want to shower her with so much affection and care that will blow her mind away. How you want to hold her in your arms and shield her from all the evil in the world; to show her that she was the only one in your world and that with her, you are content and need nothing more.
If only she knew that she hadn’t done anyone a favor by walking away. You know she is not happy, and you too, are not happy. So, what was the point of her ultimate sacrifice? You do not believe she was sacrificing anything. You know she has a flaw and that was to please everybody at all cost.
When you and her had started getting close, tongues had been wagging and some brows had been raised in disapproval. She hadn’t wanted to be labelled as the bad girl and so she ran away, even when all of her wanted to stay.
Love finds us in the unlikeliest of places and when it does, we should not run away from happiness just because people would not like us nor approve of our choices. We only are the ones that are responsible for our own happiness. It is the nature of people to judge, but they would not be there when we are pining in the darkness, alone and lonely, mourning and longing for love lost.
She tells you that she is convinced you hate her and asks what she has done to make you hate her so. You want to tell that you love her; that you are in love with her and that you never stopped.
You want to tell her that whenever you share a moment with the one you are with, that you feel sad, because it is her that you would rather share your joys and pains with.
You want to tell her, that it is only with her that you want to get naked, literally and figuratively; it is her you want to share everything with. You want to tell her that when you are inside the woman you are with now, that you would rather be inside of her, communicating your affections to her and exploring her depths. That you would rather hear her moans and hear her call your name even as you share moments of intimacy with your partner.
But you do not tell her that. Instead, you sit there, face expressionless and grunt at intervals whenever she asks if you are listening to her. You take all the hurtful words she throws at you, they are nothing compared to the pains you feel; the pains that she inflicted when she threw your love back at you.
And when she is through, you stand up quietly, pick up your bag and leave. Some things are better left unsaid.