My emotion roils like the waves of the ocean, rising and ebbing, lashing out on the shore and foaming at the mouth. There are days when all is calm, when the expanse of the water is blue-green and at those times, I am tempted to believe that I am over you. But not today.
Today, the emotions wash over me, submerging me and holding me under. I am thrashing about and gasping for breath, struggling to survive.
I dreamt about you today. When I woke up, all my body groaned in pain and I know the pain is deeper than sore muscles and aching joints. The pain is the sound of my heart as it shatters into a million pieces again.
I do not stand up from the bed, I simply lay down and allow the memories to play in front of my closed eyes. A motion picture of love, where you and I are the main characters.
I see you dressed in that beautiful chiffon flare gown, your face turned up and your eyes gazing into mine as you lunge forward and jump into my hands. I hear the moan, loud and pregnant with desire as you press your lips against mine. I feel the heat that washed over me as my body responded to you as I pulled you closer grounding my hips against yours. The echoes of your cry- as you arched your back and slumped against me spent- reverberated in the silence of my mind.
I see us, seated on the couch, your head on my shoulders, your fingers intertwined with mine as we watch a movie. I feel the stray hair of your head tickling my face, I hear your gentle purr as I stroked your hair.
I see the pout of your lips and the way you hug yourself as we disagreed over an issue. I hear the annoyance in your voice as you replied me through gritted teeth, and I feel the wave of desire that washed over me in that moment. I feel the loud beating of my heart as I watched you seethe and the ache in my heart as I realized how much I wanted you and loved you.
I still love you Omolayo, my joy and the light of my life. I will always love you. I miss you every moment of every day. I am surprised that I act all so put together when I am around you because it is a far cry from what goes on in my heart.
I cherish every moment we had together and even though you walked away, afraid of what people would say and a host of other reasons, I am grateful for the part of you that you shared with me.
It is hard to accept the loss today, but I know that for every turbulence, there comes a calm. So I will ride out this turbulent day, I will revel in the memories and the pain, and hope that tomorrow, there will be calm.