When love happens

“Do you love her?”

“Yes I do”

“Does your heart skip a beat anytime she walks into a room?”

“No, should it?”

“Are you passionate about her? Does the very sight of her take your breath away? Do you always want to spend every wakeful moment with her and think about her every moment she is not with you?”

“We spend a lot of time together and I cherish those moments”

“Do you have things in common? Share the same interests? Can you stay together for a whole day and still not run out of things to talk about or do together?”

“We love watching movies together and we share similar tastes in movies. She likes to read books too”

“And when you are not watching movies, do you have things to talk about?”

“Well, not really.”

“Does she take interests in your dreams and share your enthusiasm?”

“I cannot say that she does. We rarely talk about them but she generally supports whatever I do”

“Does she provides insight or offer helpful suggestions?”

“She is generally supportive and would wish me good luck”

“Do you feel a deep connection with her?”

“Aren’t these things a process? You generally grow into each other as you live with each other”

“You haven’t answered the question”

“Well, there are times I feel like we are not connecting. I sometimes feel that she doesn’t get me and when I try to talk about things that I am passionate about, I sense she doesn’t gets it and just generally wishes me good luck and says ‘God will see you through’. I find those statements irksome really”

“Can you tell her everything about yourself or do you have someone else that you confide in on certain matters?”

“When it comes to my passions, I really don’t tell her about it. She doesn’t share the enthusiasm, so I talk to my friends about it instead.”

“Son, I would advise that you have a rethink about this marriage proposal. It seems to me that you are settling. You are overlooking the things that matter or downplaying them in the hope that she will grow to get you and your dreams. What if she doesn’t?”

“But I like her a lot. I feel like I can be myself around her. With her, I can be vulnerable, I can be silly and goof around. With her, I can be sensitive and not have to wear the garb of macho all the time”

“Yet, you can’t share your passions and dreams, the very thing that defines you, she doesn’t get. You can’t have a meaningful conversation about life and nothing in particular except movies. She doesn’t offer you any boost to your dreams save for blanket ‘good lucks’. Son, life is a battle and you want to marry someone that can stand back to back with you and fight together. In that war, decisions are made in split seconds and messages are passed via the heart and you want that person standing next to you to speak the same language as you”

“You want someone that you are passionate about and who will not irritate you no matter what they do; someone that though they hurt you, you still love like crazy, someone you are attracted to even when you are boiling, whom you want to snuggle to as much as you want to hit them even when you are upset”

“You want someone that gets you even in your silence. Someone that with one look knows what you need, someone that you communicate more with the heart with than by mouth”

“Are all these things a must before marrying a wife? Love does grows and when you find someone you are comfortable with, someone that stirs in you that deep desire to want to protect them from hurt and just do anything to see them happy, shouldn’t that be enough to want to build a life with?”

“Son, when you see your sister, do you not want to protect her and do anything to keep her happy? Are you afraid to be yourself around family? What you have just described is not different from what you have with family.”

“Marriage demands more than filial attraction and arousal of protective instincts. Marriage is forged in the heat of passionate love, when two different but closely related people- with similar interests and goals- and with similar life principles and purpose align. In the making of alloys, similar elements are used. Wood and rubber cannot be welded together, nor iron and Sodium.”

“So, once you don’t feel a connection to someone, it is a red flag?”

“You have to connect in order to forge a life together. When you share things in common, it is easier to lay the foundation of a lifetime together. If your interests are too different, you will need sharply different building blocks and that won’t work. Imagine, laying a foundation with both brick and clay? The two have different strength and weight carrying capacities. Whatever is built on that foundation won’t last”

“So you really think I am settling?”

“Yes I think you are. You have been heart broken and now you think maybe your standards are too high or that you are being unrealistic about your ideals about love. You should learn from me son. Never settle, never fall into the mistake of thinking things will change after marriage. It won’t and if it does it is most likely a change for the worst. Humans generally take what they have for granted and they will devote less attention and care for a trophy already won. If it isn’t sizzling hot now and almost overwhelming, then it isn’t going to get hot after marriage. It is a proven fact, love decreases as the marriage ages”

“Mum, there is this girl that I am crazy about. Whenever I am with her, I am a totally different person. We talk about lots of things and we could go a whole day just talking about everything. With her I am not the shy guy, I wouldn’t even mind holding hands in public. She is stubborn and we argue a lot but I find it very exciting. And oh, she had the most gorgeous eyes and lips. Any time I see her, I just want to kiss those lips!”

“It seems to me that you have found love son”

“These feelings scares me. I usually tell myself that it is just pure, animal lust and nothing but I know that it isn’t about sex. I always want to hang out with her, I don’t even mind just sitting together and not talking. Any time we part, I feel so sad. It is like my heart stays with her while my body leaves. I am confused mum”

“My son, I think you are falling in love with this girl”

“That is where things get complicated. She is engaged and I am in a committed relationship. I have been with Sade for two years and just when we are talking about finally settling down, this happens! Why is life like this mum?!”

“My son, life is too short to mix issues up. If you think you have a chance with this other lady, I think you should tell her how you feel. If she doesn’t feel the same way, you will find closure and move on. What will haunt you will be the ‘what ifs’’’

“But, do you think it is unfair to the other guy? I mean, he loves her and they are engaged.”

“Life is not in black and white. Sometimes you meet someone and think they are the ones that would make you happy and you think you are ready to spend the rest of your lives with them. Then you meet someone else and then you realize that what you thought was okay before isn’t okay now. You meet someone that makes you want more, shows you that you can have so much more than you have settled for. You have to take your happiness into your hands. But this is what you mustn’t do: you mustn’t usurp someone else’s property. If you do tell her and she decides that it is you she wants, you both have to talk with your spouses and have an honest conversation about the future.”

“But I have been with Sade for two years, it will break her heart”

“Son, if you go ahead with Sade, you will not be happy. And you might end up resenting her for not letting you be happy. Plus, if you are with Sade while your heart is with another woman, you will not be Sade fully and she doesn’t deserve that. Sade is a good girl and she deserves someone who will love her with all of himself and not hold anything back. There is nothing more painful to anyone than knowing that your spouse is not with you fully and would rather be with someone else. It is like they are stuck with you or married you out of pity and that is the worst feeling ever. You think Sade will be happy that she has the man she loves with her forever? No, she will hate you. Because you are scorning her love, she will be miserable and wish you hadn’t married her and confined her to a love-less life.”

“You owe it to yourself to be happy. I know you are scared of being called a heart breaker and other ugly names but you deserve to be happy son and you shouldn’t let what others think about you to deprive you of your happiness.”

“If I am going to take your advice mum, don’t you think it is best if I cool things off with Sade first? Since I have realized that I want more than she is capable of giving. Then I can now go in search of the one I think can do that. I feel it will be cheating, if I start professing love to another woman while I have pledged that love to Sade”

“You are right my son. You have a good heart and I am always proud of you. It is better to make things as uncomplicated as possible. She will still be hurt but she will know that you were honest and upfront with her and I pray that both you and she will find happiness”

“Amen. Thanks mum”

“You are welcome my son. Okay, now tell me more about this girl that has captured your heart”


“What? I am curious”

“You know what they say, ‘curiosity kills the cat’”

“Oh this ‘cat’ has nine lives”

“My mother, the queen of wits!”

“My son, the king of evasiveness!”


The End



16 thoughts on “When love happens

  1. Aww. This is so nice. Initially I thought this was a session between a shrink and his patient but later I got the gist. I like the matter of fact issues presented here. Bitter pills to swallow sometimes. And then it ended with suspense. Beautiful Topazo. Well done.


  2. Dazed…..just dazed, morose and most definitely….numb! 😵😯😐

    I adore ❤ this piece of insightful write to no end Doc! An enriching masterpiece of a dialogue, pretty much appropriate for both the singles and married; so indepth, informative and an 👀-opener! This sizzles piping hot like fire💣and you Sire, art REALLY an abundance, as well as a glorious fountain of wisdom, knowledge and plenty understanding! ‘Efinwe’ , Yes you are and as for me……, I humble gan ni 🙌! Damn! You. Are. So. Blessed. E ku ise brain! 👍👍😂

    The institution of marriage is a very beautiful one, which can only remain so; if the parties involved are really compatible and put in a lotta work, on both their parts, to make it work! There isn’t such a thing as a perfect marriage; for its very possible to fall outta love with one’s spouse at every turn, every now and then as captured in this phrase….’Humans generally take for granted, and devote less time, care and attention to a trophy already won’! The flames of passion die out, are extinguished and where the sparks fails to be re-ignited, a total break down of that union; isn’t far-fetched! An urgent need to salvage an already deteriorating situation therefore arises!

    I also love that admonition of not to expect a change that is yet to occur before marriage, except it’d be a change for the worse! Spot on Sir, Dang! 👉😉

    Doc, my love, respect and admiration for your art, keeps on growing in leaps and bounds, with each new post! This is a brilliant piece, very true to life and the humorous turn this electrifying dialogue took at the end is simply ingenious…talking ’bout the name calling between mother and son! Such a fun, matter-of-factly convo; deliciously concocted with just the right amount of zing! Mwah! 😊😄💟


  3. Wow.
    I love this!
    The conversation flowing like talking to a buddy.
    So nice. Not many parents take the time to talk to their children and give them this kind of loving advice. The more reason we have divorce flying around the place like some UFO Space Saucers.
    Wonderful Doc, real wonderful….


  4. Woooooooooow! It’s the first time i’ll read a full post on this blog and i’m asking myself what took me this long..lol
    This is mind blowing but I do have a few reservations here & there but it generally captures the ideal we should all pursue and to think I was listening to Myles Munroe’s ‘Myths of Singleness’ today, this is absolutely timely.

    Keep up the good work & I’m off to catch up on all the great posts I’ve been missing on this blog


  5. Love. Marriage. Commitment. Relationships.

    The major societal factors that make the world go round. It’s like a ballet dance. A misstep could either ruin you or stall your career. But when the moves are smooth and flawless, it’s like a dream.


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