Hello dear readers, Happy Sunday.
I present to you the part 3 of “Finding Redemption” by the Inkheart.
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When I was 18, I was raped. Not by a total stranger lurking in the dark, waiting for his victim to walk pass by but someone I trusted with my whole life. When the whole thing was over, I wondered how all the while we sat together to eat, to drink, to talk about how plans for our future, he was planning the evil or he just woke up one morning and decided to hurt me. Sometimes, I close my eyes and I can still hear my clothes being ripped, feel his hot tobacco infested breathe on my face, the stinging slaps. Sometimes it would feel so real that my head would begin to spin and then I will black out. I tried to shove it aside and move on with my life but his taunting laughter rang in my ears too constantly.
I would lock myself up and then cry myself to sleep. All those times, I felt as if the world was about to end. In fact, I was ready to end it. The worst part was walking down the road all by myself with no one to reach out to me. I would look around surrounded by people and still feel terribly lonely. No one cared what was going on with me rather I got judgmental comments like I am full of myself, I am too proud. Those things drove me far from people who looked like me. If I ran into a shell, maybe, just maybe it will all go and I will be normal again but if wishes were horses, I would drop every penny I have to catch a ride on its back. I thought everything changed but I was just living in denial until I realize no matter how hard I run, my past will always be there. It is left to me to wallow in the sadness and self-pity that comes with it or take a bold step to turn my life around.
The day I found out I was a victim in the world I had created out of my desperation to escape my reality was the day I decided I was never going to be a victim anymore. It was time I let go of all those things I was bottling up within me. With that decision, I realized I was angry; angry with all those times I was hindered and stopped from flying, I was angry because I had succumbed to their desires for my life without even fighting, I was angry because I wanted desperately to accepted, to be loved. I discovered I had so much anger in me from the very things I thought never mattered. It opened my eyes to see myself in a way I could not have imagined. I thought I was the happy girl, contented with the walls I have built around me but I discovered I was not happy. I had surrounded myself with so much lies and it was time I broke down the walls and live my life as I am supposed to not as my circumstances pushed me to.
And so, I set out in search of peace and true happiness. I tried all the ways; making money, spoiling myself with expensive gifts and treats, getting famous, making friends and even dating. Trust me, each of these brought me happiness but it was not lasting and there was no peace. In fact, as I surrounded myself with those things, I was beginning to think happiness was overrated and it was just a plain routine you have to incorporate into your everyday life. I wanted more than just minutes of satisfaction, I wanted meaning, clarity, peace; I wanted something tangible and everlasting, something that would leave me excited and craving for more. Something with no overdose, something that strikes a chord in the depth of my heart. Something like the deep blue skies and the white fluffy clouds reminding me I can be happy with the little things. I wanted something so strong, it is unfathomable to the canal mind of man.
While searching, I was exposed to a lot of things; things that made me almost give up on my search and draw back to my shell. People kept hurting me, betraying; making me doubt in anybody. Here I was trying to find happiness, let go of the past and people kept of giving me reasons to just give up totally. People who you call friends turn around to stab you in the back and thinking you are fool will cry with you. People who you trust telling your secrets to available listening ears and then pretend they know nothing about it. Those you call family spreading the wrong rumors about you all just because they are jealous of your success and the boy that professed love to you just the some minutes ago is telling his friends about what you did and making jest of you. It kept going on and I felt no need to live anymore. Why should I stay with people who kept pushing me away no matter how much I pulled them to me? Why should I be around people whose love for another is just on the tip of their tongues and it’s not from the heart? Why should I still be living when there was nothing to live for? I wanted to tell myself there was something I was not doing right or getting right that I was missing something but I was too depressed to be bothered with all that. Then one day, I got tired of it all and decided to end it all, to kill myself.
You know you make some decisions that change your life and make you realize there is truly something you are not getting, decisions that turn your life around for the best. It may be silly, dangerous or even unconscious but it shines light on your darkness and propels into a future you doubted its existence. My decision to kill myself was dumb and not the right thing to do but I am grateful I stood up that fateful afternoon to search my room for contaminated and expired drugs; anything lethal enough to send me to the other side. As I searched frantically for what would end my life, I found an old journal that I had gotten as a parting gift from one of my teachers in secondary school. Why I never used the journal, I can’t even say. I just dumped it on my bookshelf allowing it to be overfed by dust. I wish I could say a magical wind flipped the pages and then settled on the right page. Nope, that did not happen but something made me pick up that book and decided to open it. It was blank or so I thought at first and then I opened to the second to the last page and there it was, my life changing statement.
“He who the Son of God has set free is free indeed. If you believe He can take your pain away, He will. He will give you peace and all the beautiful things you so desire. All you have to believe”
When I was done reading, I felt my heart beating so fast and my hands shaking. I attended church service with parents and was a member of the Bible study community, how it never occurred to me to look to God for my help baffled and made me feel so ashamed. I went on my knees and cried, cried because I had the answers to my prayers all along but kept searching in the wrong places. I realized that sometimes we wait for an awakening, a new dawn and we wait in vain, searching in futility for what we already have in our hands but fail to acknowledge it. From that moment on, my life took a turn for the better. It became so easy to forgive, to love, to give; to do those things I vowed never to do especially to those who least deserve it.
The voices are still there, I still tell my stories and write them but they have changed too. I preach hope, love and kindness now. I tell wonderful tales and pray they change lives. It has not been easy, nope, it has not been all rosy but like I said earlier, I do not know where I am headed but I know HE who is taking me. I am HIS work in progress.
This is me, telling my story through you…