I am all alone, even though I am surrounded by smiling faces of seeming friends. No one really knows me or understand me. They form an opinion of me and do not bother to find out who the real me is. Beneath their smiles is a thinly veiled indifference.
I have always been alone, never really belonged. In the university, my friends too never bothered to listen to me. Well, I was always the listener and when I want to talk, they are too busy getting wrapped up in their own troubles to find time to hear about mine.
I remember during my final exams, I was so afraid and I tried to tell my best friend but he didn’t even listened. In fact, he laughed. It was true that my grades were better and that I was among the top ten in the class, but did that make me immune from being afraid? After all, success has not being willed to a particular person, and someone that did well in an exam yesterday can flunk today. Moreover, the fact that I was among the best even made the fear worse. What if I don’t perform to expectation? What if I actually failed and have a referral? How would people look at me?
It is not that I define myself by my academic prowess but you see all through my first year, I was an unknown. Nobody knew me, they all passed by me and I was living in the shadows. By the second year, when the results were compiled and I emerged one of the best, I suddenly became known. People started to recognize me and even greet me on the corridors. Ladies and high profile guys began to talk to me. So, I was afraid to fail, I never want to slink back into the shadows again.
My friend was not like me, he had always been in the limelight, and was quite popular. He didn’t understand my fears. He was too quick to dismiss them, I was a genius and I couldn’t fail. Some would argue that he had faith in me and thought highly of me but I don’t think so. I was truly afraid, my fears were real, and if he did really have faith in me, he should have taken some time- five minutes would do- to reassure me and tell me how much he believed in me. That would have made a difference. It would have meant the whole world.
I do not blame him. It just further made me realize that I was on my own. So, that day, I smiled and we continued studying. When the tension became too much, I left his house and came home. I prayed and tried to encourage myself. I asked myself what my worst fears was, it was the fear of failure. Then I asked again what would happen if I failed. I would be devastated, people will laugh at me, and some would even insinuate that all the previous results were a fluke. But then, I won’t die; I would write the exam again and I would pass. The world would not end.
That was it. I steeled myself and prepared for the worst, hoping for the best. I couldn’t sleep all night and my insides were twisted in knots. The next day, I dressed smartly and wore a smile, appearing confident and even helping a few people with their last minute revisions. The results came and I passed. It wasn’t as much as I had expected, but it didn’t matter. I still ended up in the top five.
I wonder if there is something about me that makes me feel invincible and make my friends always believe that I couldn’t fail or come to any harm. They never believe me if I tell them of some bad deeds that I had done. So, I have stopped telling them. I keep them to myself.
But oh dear diary, it gets exhausting keeping it all in. my head is full and my heart is heavy. I wish there was someone I could talk to that wouldn’t judge me or mock me or even wave my issues aside with a single dismissive hand. Where can I find someone?
At least I have you. I can come to you and pour out my mind to you. I know you will listen without interrupting my rantings, even if they are borderline incoherent and make no sense. You wouldn’t judge either. In fact, you wouldn’t even react.
That is why I can tell you that I am in love with my best friend’s wife and that we have being having an affair for the past six months and it is killing me.