Shades of Grey- so you are a virgin

I read a blog yesterday and the topic was about virginity and how it is overrated. I read all the comments and arguments people put forth on either side. Some were purely sentimental, some full of vitriol and little dash of common sense, a lot of them were thoughtful arguments and well argued.

So, I sat for a while. Minutes actually (did you honestly think I was a deep thinker?). I decided to pen my thoughts on the matter.

We have held on to sentiments and traditions on so many subjects for so long. It would have been good but most times we hold them not because they are true but for its sentimental values. We never really question tradition and the few people who do are crucified. Some people take the middle ground and agree that most traditions are pointless, outdated and irrelevant to the society that we live in but still hold them because they are afraid to be seen as challenging culture.

Who is a virgin?

A: Merriam-Webster has this to say:

1 a:  an unmarried woman devoted to religion

b: capitalized:  virgo

2 a:  an absolutely chaste young woman

   b:  an unmarried girl or woman

3 capitalized:  Virgin Mary

4 a:  a person who has not had sexual intercourse

   b:  a person who is inexperienced in a usually specified sphere of activity

5:  a female animal that has never copulated

B: The free dictionary:

  1. A person who has not experienced sexual intercourse.
  2. A chaste or unmarried woman; a maiden.
  3. An unmarried woman who has taken religious vows of chastity.
  4. Virgin The Virgin Mary.
  5. Zoology A female insect or other arthropod that produces fertile eggs without copulating.

Did anyone notice the emphasis on the female? Now why is that?

A virgin is someone who has not had sexual intercourse. It includes both sexes but it is emphasized for the women. Historically, socially and culturally, much value has been placed on the female virginity.

Why? Because it is a proof that the woman is pure, innocent and inexperienced.

Why was this important? For the males, the head, the Lord and Master to unwrap his present and do whatever he likes with her and not suffer from bruised ego or his historically colossal self-doubt that someone have been there before him and might have out-done him. Because for the patriarchal, chauvinistic male, his ego and self-worth is tied to his sexual prowess.

Ah! Such heavy words from such a small boy abi? Have you not wondered how our grandfathers defined their maleness and manhood? By the number of wives and children they had! Imagine! They are strong and virile because they could hump numerous women and their sperms could penetrate and crush any female factor infertility, and produce offspring. Throw in another specifier, ability to produce plenty male children. If he has a barn full of female children then he is weak!

Thus, a female is defined by her sexual inexperience and ‘purity’. In some parts of Africa, virgin females are in high demand because they are a cure for HIV/AIDS!

Yet, there are many women who strut about brandishing their virginity like titles and so many more whose shoulders droop and who cannot lift up their heads because they are not virgins. Unconsciously, these women still succumb to a chauvinistic society and further inflame the massive ego of low self-esteemed males.

Oh, but it is biblical to keep virginity, I hear someone say. Thank you for raising that point! I am glad you did. Well, you should know that the bible did not drop from heaven and it was God that inspired men to write it. The bible contains both accounts of events that happened and the direct commandments of God to his people- Israel. I will have you know that Israel was a highly chauvinistic society. So it is no surprise that women too were subjugated. Is that what God wants? For women to be foot mats of men? To be treated anyhow and subject to the whims and caprices of men? Hell no!

If you want to follow the bible, then, all women worship singers, all women pastors and women evangelists and whatever title they are, should get the hell out of the pulpit and go sit down!. Haven’t they read it in the bible that the women should not talk at all in church? Even if they have questions, they should save it till when they are home and ask their husbands. And if they have an opinion…did I hear you say “opinion’? Whoever gives women the audacity to have opinions?! They should rather be submissive and just emulate the virtuous woman. The virtuous woman was well domesticated and industrious. That’s all the females are for biblically. The only woman who had an opinion and who talked about it was…you guessed it, Jezebel! Do you want to be ‘Jezebels’ women? Of course not.

But God who is wise and the Almighty decided to show that he does support equality and especially emancipation of women has at several times called women to lead his people. They have served as beacon of hope when there was darkness, they have been symbols of strength when there was despair and the hearts of men melted like wax inside them. They have been chosen to wax brazen and to go the extra mile for God and His kingdom. I talk about Deborah, about Katherine Kulman, Mary Semple and a host of others. They were leaders over men, and God called them!

So, why then do we subjugate women and make them feel worthless and impure over decisions about their body? She chose to have sex and to enjoy it, and her value has reduced! Really? So it is all about her hymen? Her intellect, industry, kind heart and her talents don’t count? Of course they don’t, all we want is a pretty face! A trophy and sexual object to gratify our egos.

Even women have been so brain-washed that they champion this cause. A man that has slept with so many women is the perfect husband for them, who are virgins. He will know how to please them well. He is Adonis, Eros. He will fulfill all their sexual fantasies! The height of deception.

Note that a man that has slept with so many women is the type that wants to get. He has slept with so many women not because he has been sent by God to please women but because he wants to get pleasure from as many women as possible. Women were pleasuring him, doing things to him that he has concocted out of his twisted imagination. He wants to sample them all, to know the feel of a buxomly woman, the tightness of she that has not been previously touched; the laxity of the one that has entertained a lot of masculine appendages; the perverseness of his many fantasies with she who is willing to grant him, because males are gods to be pleasured and to have all their whims and caprices fulfilled by womenfolk.

Ladies, the experienced man you are looking for believes that women were created for only one purpose and that is to pleasure men. And it is him you have been saving yourself for to pleasure you huh? I am sorry for you.

Is it a wonder that majority of women are not fulfilled sexually in marriage? Because they have allowed themselves to be enslaved by the tradition and mentality of a male concocted and chauvinistic society handed down by over bloated egotistic fathers and brainwashed, subservient and defeatists mothers.

Is it no wonder that men run around chasing women with impunity? They see, they chase, spend money and expect sex. They can’t understand when after spending all that money (chicken change really or stolen wealth) she still says no. how dare she? They rape and coerce because nobody focuses on them or their ‘purity’.

They then leave the women, their victims with a bag load of issues- guilt, low self-esteem etc. “I pray I see a good man to marry me because I am worthless, defiled and not a virgin” “this is too good to be true, I don’t deserve him, me that have spoilt myself with many men” “if he knows how many men that I have slept with will he still respect me and want me?”

Imagine the horror! The psychological trauma women go through, all because they chose to have sex! Things the men do for free and brag about! Haba!

What about the men? Who holds them accountable for their body count? Why is virginity not important to them? Why don’t we celebrate male virgins and invent a test too that will confirm their virginity? Hypocritical male dominated society!

Now, of what value is virginity? None! It doesn’t define you nor is it a proof that you are a better person. No it doesn’t mean you have the best character nor that you have the best self-control. No, you are merely a slave of male chauvinism, which is sadly deeply rooted in religion!

Because in Christ, it doesn’t matter whether you are a virgin or not, whether you are a Jew or Gentile; whether you are black or white; circumcised or not. In true Christianity, Christ alone is what matters and is sufficient!

Do not define yourself or your values or worth by your sexual history! Your value is dependent on who you believe in, the inner character and strength you painstakingly build, the sacrifices and diligence you invest in all areas of your life, your vision, your talents, and in your life’s purpose that you are spending all your life’s blood in achieving. Those are what defines you. God defines you by your strengths and not your weaknesses. If you doubt, then go and read about all the people he had used. He called them when they were wallowing in their weaknesses and He told them he had put a strength in them that He wanted to use.

So, you are not a virgin? When then? Abeg strut and lift up your heads high. So, you are a virgin? Ehen? Show me your worth because I have not seen anything yet.

You are not morally upright by being a virgin mind you. Because to be morally upright entails just more than having sex. If you backbite and gossip, you are a killer. If you are not honest, if you lie and cheat and defraud people, you do not have morals, in fact you are immoral. So please stop brandishing your virginity as a sign of your morality. We have heard, you do not have sex, thank you. What else do you have to say about your morals? Do you respect other people’s right? Do you insist on having your own way? Are you compassionate? Do you obey all other commandments of God, ye religious virgins?

Is Virginity a good thing? Absolutely. It is the first step to sanitizing the sexual perversion that is rampant in our society. Having sex has been so glorified that it has eroded the self-control we ought to have. The bible said that he that can control his body and bodily desires is greater than a warrior that captures a city. We should exercise restraint in all things, most especially in the areas of sex.

Sex is a beautiful thing, it was designed by God to be enjoyed and savored. It is the most pleasurable activity that we can engage in on earth. Legitimately that is. It has been set as an exclusive preserve of married couples. It is worth waiting for. It is a seal, the finally yielding of body and soul and heart. It is in this act that “two shall become one” is fulfilled. Sex is a union of heart and body, in that order.

It is magical, it is spiritual. It is not to be undertaken lightly. It is also consensual and not to be done under coercion or forced, not even among couples.

Note that sex involves stimulation of breast, genitals and other form of fore play. So if you do these acts and still claim to have not had sex and a virgin, you are misguided and ignorant. If you want to have sex by all means do! And stop the self-deceit. Being a virgin is nothing and not being a virgin is nothing. It is the way we have been subjugated.

In summary, have sex, don’t have sex, it doesn’t define you. A man or woman is not defined by his or her sexual history. If anyone places a value on you because of whether or not you are a virgin, resist and run; refuse that mental subjugation. If you define yourself by your virginity you are on a dangerous slope. You are more than your hymen. If you claim morality because of your virginity, you are self-deluded. If you claim righteousness by your virginity, you are wrong and ignorant of scriptures. Is this article encouraging people to start having sex? NO. It is trying to liberate people from the tradition that is making lots of people miserable.

Sex is by choice. It is fun, it is sweet and if you want to do it, do it! I will close with a quote from King Solomon “You who are young, make the most of your youth. Relish your youthful vigor. Follow the impulses of your heart. If something looks good to you, pursue it. But know also that not just anything goes; you have to answer to God for every last bit of it.” (Ecclesiastes 11:9 MSG)


60 thoughts on “Shades of Grey- so you are a virgin

  1. Thank God someone is talking jare… this should be #saveourladies. And seriously, these ladies don’t realise that being a virgin or not doesn’t define them. They relish in the fact that they’re virgins even after they’ve had oral sex. Nonsense. Mtschewwww.


  2. I could kiss you right now for writing this! Like I always said, I’m no fan of sex b4 marriage, but then can anyone ever outrun their destiny? No. If you will remain a virgin till marriage or not is part of destiny. The most annoying thing is that, men that want to marry virgins are the ones going about dis-virgining all the ladies they found, yet they want a virgin for a wife! You see #Hypocrisy on the highest level! And just because men are demi gods, they believe they can get into anything and everything then go scot free..*sighs*. I can’t begin to say or write things I’ve heard, seen or experienced, I sure will clog this page! As a lady that’s in her 30s, I sure have seen my share of sexual issues. And what still gets me angry is the fact that, men used women as they like, like we’re some pieces of crafts, the audacity for crying out loud! OMG. But then, it has always been like that from the begining of time. Men believe they’re everything while the women are nothing…*sighs heavily*. You make a lady feel like crap by having sex with her, some will even go as far as slapping a lady or beating her up if she refused, yet the women get the brunt of it all…I’m so so angry right now, and I feel like I’m just venting my frustration, but then why wouldn’t I?


    1. And like you rightly said, majority of women( I mean d ones that value their self worth) moves around with slumped shoulders with a terrible low self esteem! Why must women pay for all the crimes committed by men, and against women o, why??? And as for the ones that are still virgins brandishing themselves on a pole, you better be careful. After all it is said that let him who stand take heed, lest he fall. Not everyone that lost their virginity decided to loose it, many are victims of circumstance…


      1. for both party Jules, it is because they have agreed with the lie that a woman’s worth is tied to her virginity or by whether or not she has been touched by a man. so while one suffers from low self esteem, the other suffers from an overbloated self esteem…


        1. Yes that’s the problem. And that’s what I’m trying to say. Women tend to bear the brunt of all the issues surrounding sex instead both of us, I mean male and female.


    2. Jules, most of the times, it is the women that allow themselves to be used. Women are not brainless puppets subject to the whims and caprices of the men folk especially in our own century…they have a will of their own…e.g..a lady who goes out with an abusive guy and because no other dude seems to be interested in marrying her about that time goes ahead and marries the brute…who beats her blue black…other times, a lady feels she has to use sex to tie down a guy so that he can stay faithful and marry her and when this does not happen, she uses the same strategy for other guys..ultimately, she might discover that she had distributed herself to dozens of guys like a charity potato pie…of course, there are exceptions to every rule but most times, LIFE IS A CHOICE..Most women need to get the dignity of womanhood..the woman is still God’s most beautiful creation but most ladies have cheapened two cents..


      1. No Dr Swag, it is not women that allow themselves to be used. it is something that is pervasive, such that unconsciously, it is what they have to deal with. their choices now revolve around whether or not they will conform to this societal malady. so for them it is either to ignore it and suffer or to bend to it, and still suffer.

        why should the mental slavery exist in the first place? that is what we should seek to abolish. this is a war against the mind of both men and women, women being the victims most times.

        I totally agree with you that the woman is God’s crowning glory of creation. she is a masterpiece, breathtaking, exquisite, delicately crafted and polished. if only women knew this, they wouldn’t bend to every whim and caprice of men, who perennially need to subjugate women in order to feel “manly”.


        1. Topaz, everyone’s destiny is in his or hands…the onus is on everyone to stand out, break out…if Rosa Park could do it in even more difficult circumstances then every woman can…there is no excuse for any lady to turn her herself into a rug for any guy in my opinion, prevailing circumstances, mindset or not….


          1. yea, I agree with you. it is all in our hands to determine how we view ourselves and what value we place on ourselves.

            it may be hard fighting against prevailing mindsets and all but in the end, we can win. once we liberate ourselves from that which holds us back…


            1. ..years ago, this beautiful lady walked into my consulting room with a guy in tow. The guy sat down and said they wanted to get married and i should test the lady to ascertain her fertility. I told the guy that fertility was a two way lane, dudes can be infertile too….till today i am still stunned that a beautiful cosmopolitan lady would allow herself go through that like a willing guinea pig…she could have told the guy to go take a dip is supposed to be unconditional….sad!!!


              1. No Dr Swag, she is a victim of that war I was talking about. she had been led to believe in all her life that a woman is the one responsible for bearing babies and if all things are not well, it is a woman’s fault. the most trusted person in her life too had validated this- her mother, also a victim of that war.
                the media hypes this (thank you Nollywood!) so even if she has read it up and even if the doctors say otherwise, she will simply ignore those as ‘deceit’…
                what comes to mind is the story of a baby elephant tied with a rope and even when it had grown big and could easily break loose, it still thought it couldn’t break free…


              2. Imagine that! Look at what women go through, while most times men are sidelined. Thank God that the world is getting more enlightened in the area of fertility and the rest. Imagine the time men will throw out their wives or marry more women just because the one/ones at home refused to give him a male child! Thank God it is been discovered that the gender of a is determined by the man. But look at what women have suffered because of these kind of things…


                1. Jules..I know some ladies who in that situation woukd have told the guy to stuff his ring in any orifice he deems fit instead of being turned into a guinea pig…it still boils down ti choice..self worth n dignity…


                  1. DrSwag, that’s because the world has started a revolution, or should I say world of women. Remember the times when women are just mere subjects, they have to submit to their men whether they are emotionally ok or not. Remember the times when a woman can’t point out her sexual needs, or else she will be viewed as being a wanton. It’s now that things are a bit changing in the favor of women


        2. Exactly my point #Doc. Why the twisted mentality in the first place? Society have made women slaves to men. They believe women should just swallow every bitter pill, should just be led like lambs to the slaughter…it makes women forget the real purpose they were created for.


      2. I agree with you DrSwag, but not all women allow what befall them, like I said, some are just victims of circumstance. And my main point is that, while men get away with all the atrocities they commit, women are viewed differently with disdain and loath. So that’s the major thing here, that’s what I’m laying emphasis on…


        1. I agree Jules but I am saying that women can also make up their minds to stop being victims…there is a story in the bible where it was the norm that it’s only male sons that get inheritance when thier fathers die but a group of ladies demanded for their right after their pop died n the law was changed for their sakes..they refused to be victimized!


          1. True. But like I said, things are just getting reshuffled and re-balanced to make women see that they’re are more than #Footmats!


    3. “The most annoying thing is that, men that want to marry virgins are the ones going about dis-virgining all the ladies they found, yet they want a virgin for a wife! ”
      it is mind-boggling! it is all about the subtle, not subtle, blatant subjugation of women. and this war is in the mind, such that even some women are slaves to it without knowing…


  3. Therefore, If any man be in Christ, he is a new creature. Old things have passed away. Behold all things are become new. People need to read their bibles to understand their position in Christ Jesus. Yet, it brings much profit to be obedient to God. Purity over virginity!


    1. oh Virtuous spirit, I love that your submission “Purity over Virginity”! that is the sum of everything…

      and yes, every body- man and woman, should define their values by their position in Christ…

      Liked by 1 person

  4. ‘If something looks good to you, do it’? I really don’t agree with that. There’s a way that seems right to a man, but ends thereof is destruction. You can’t live by your senses. It will lead one to destruction


  5. And where in the World is Aunt #Yemie when I need her o?!!! I’m sure she will have something very tangible to say about all these issues…


    1. Hmm Jules, that’s a question for the gods! ‘Aunt #Yemie’s pretty pre-occupied and has decided to take a backseat and watch events unfold from the sidelines! Call me an ‘international observer’ and you wouldn’t be too far off from the truth! Plus, I see you’re holding down the fort beautifully ma darling, I couldn’t have done a much better job myself, so keep pressing forward, soldier on; I’ve gat your back and you’ve got this locked down like BAM! *laughing*


      1. Wow, thanks Sis. #Yemie for that wonderful commendation. But all the same, I value your opinion very much. Welcome on board Sis. Smiles…


  6. A well articulated, very intellectual piece; highly controversial too I must add! Kudos Doc, e ku ise brain and may the Good Lord open the eyes of our understanding to know what His standards are and what the absolute truth is, as regards every issue under the sun! He alone knows for a fact!

    We live in a patriarchal society dating back to Biblical times! Sons were so much more valued even back then! When the word ‘virginity’ is mentioned, the woman readily comes to mind! Its just what it is and aint nothing’s gonna change that now or till the world comes to an end! My people will say ‘ ko si kekere okunrin’, meaning a newborn baby boy, has a lot more value than an even the oldest female, who’s lived for eons! Females have a lotta odds stacked against ’em, and only the Creator understands that bit! Show me a female with a huge ego, self-discipline and a very high self-esteem; and I’ll say to you that its no mean feat! Someone musta done something very right and am talking ’bout the parents and especially, grace! The special grace of God!

    The onus is on parents to teach and guide their kids aright in the best possible way, according to Biblical instructions and injunctions! Teach and instruct your daughters to value themselves; work on their self-esteem endlesssly and tirelessly! Let ’em know they’re beautiful, intelligent, smart till they become and believe they’re what and who they say they are! And sons, to value the generality of girls; stressing they’re not objects to be trampled on and or trifled and fiddled with! Knowledge is power, and it helps in the making of the right choices, when these precious ones are at a crossroad or hit a roadblock!

    Charity begins at home! If all hands are on deck and both sexes are well schooled on acceptable ways and means of co-habiting and living; first as humans before all else, the world would be a better and safer place to live in, I submit! Thanks for sharing and God bless and replenish you! Cheers!


    1. WOW!!! You see why I’ve been waiting to hear from u Sis? You said it all. Charity truly begins at home, but what will a mother that has been brain washed teach to her daughter? Or what would a father that believes in superiority complex teach his son? Like you rightly said, this dated back to Biblical time. So all we need is the right type of education from this new generation of #TrueBeliever in the value of womanhood, so help us GOD…


  7. Sir Topaz, you just won that high place for my mind!! I think girls give men the opportunity to keep on thinking they can ridicule women just because she has had sex before. If a man would judge me and leave me because I am no longer a virgin, good riddance to him because he never deserved me in the first place. Virginity will and can never define a virtuous woman. There are so many things that make a woman a virtue of honor and that is not even one of them. Will you stick to a girl that curses, nags, has a bad attitude all because she is “undefiled”? Girls should not allow a man treat them badly all because she is no longer “pure”. Like I always advice myself, be the woman you want to see your girl children become and boy child marry. Chase standards and men will constantly chase you. You are better than you will ever give yourself credit for if you keep thinking no man wants you anymore cos the Hymen is gone..


  8. Hello guys, I’ve been pretty unavailable these last couple of days, plus I realise it’s a delicate topic and many tend to get very emotional about it but I’ll just say something which may not count for much anyway. First I’m 100% for no sex before marriage as the bible says. However I realise that a young woman may lose her virginity for one of many reasons – rape, abuse, deception, curiosity, youthful exuberance – but at the point where she decides that she wants to chart a new course for herself, she should be resolute. Being resolute rules out demeaning or negative thinking over a past you have clearly decided to forget. And that’s why I loved virtuoso’s comment that it’s virtue over virginity. What counts is how God views you today and not what one (pardon me) yeye man has chosen to concoct of my past. 1 John 3:19-22 is clear on that. Never, young woman, whoever you are, never carry about the burden of low self esteem because of a past that you can improve on. Walk tall, head high. And for those who still called themselves virgins technically but are more streetwise than even my grandmother, ehn! let them carry on the self deceit. The funny thing is that these things don’t stay concealed for long. And as my ibo brothers say, after the race, we must come back and count the miles. That is my take.


  9. This is some post.

    There has been a lot of talk about virginity in times past, and ‘m pretty sure it’ll remain a never-fully-resolved issue, worse still, everyone will never really hold the same opinion about it.

    For me, I believe staying a virgin, or choosing not to is a personal choice. A personal choice, which although may be inspired by tradition, and what the scriptures read, must also fully and wholly be understood in its entire essence. There’s a whole lot of baggage as much as pleasure that comes with having sex, and if as a lady you understand this, you’re good to go!

    What’s the whole fuss about anyway? This shouldn’t even be a matter for public debate and discourse per se, because everyone is at liberty to live their lives the way they deem it fit in so far as they understand the reasons why they are acting so, and the consequences that lie behind it.

    In essence, all ‘m saying is, whatever choice you make, let it not be driven by peer pressure or what the world is doing or what he wants, let it be a choice you’ve made for yourself because you’re happy with it. It is not to define your self worth or dignity or IQ, it is an exercise of your freedom to live. Let the virgins not judge the non- virgins, and let the non- virgins not judge the virgins. Let’s all just live to our hearts content. What I want is what I want. The world should really start to respect that.

    Welldone brother!


  10. thanks Me for this! it should be a woman’s choice what she chooses to do with her body, and whom she gives it to or not. sadly, the society has chosen to put head where it is not their business and also define women by what should be their private and individual business.

    “let us all just live to our heart’s content” I like that!


  11. Many have given up the idea, they no longer see it as a matter of necessity and that’s why the idea seem to be fading. Someone once said the value of a woman is not a matter of virginity but how rich she is, intellectual-wise.


    1. a woman is not and should not be defined by the intactness or otherwise of her hymen.
      A woman is a treasure, meant to be explored to know her depths, to value and cherish.
      Virginity is a choice women make on who, when and how they want to share their bodies with another person. it is not all there is to a woman. it has never been what determines value.


  12. I didn’t want to complain or comment or get angry over this.
    It is not worth the time spent on it.

    Do good. Honor God. Honor the brotherhood. Honor all men.
    Just doing this daily takes up my time.

    It is culture.
    Culture affects even the church.
    #Pray hard that you will marry the right person for you.
    #Pray that your husband will be teachable and willing to renew his mind daily
    Culture is very powerful
    It changes people and limits destinies.
    Pray that culture will not stop you from doing the things God has planned for you.

    Everyone choose to think Phil 4:8 or think according to he world system.
    When you think according to the world system, you can’t change much or accomplish the great commision.
    Jesus did much. I want to be like him.


  13. Hmmmm, à very interesting article. Very enlightening and educative too. The write-up is amazing, Ave learnt from it ND the responses are just so insightful. Any guy that wishes to know my status before courting me should go and take a hike, it’s none of his business. The fact that a lady is no longer a virgin does not make her amoral. The decision to be a virgin or not should be a personal decision, I believe it shouldn’t be influenced by tradition, religion or cultural values.


  14. This is a very interesting post. Very insightful and thought-provoking.

    The last paragraph sums it up for me. Do whatever you like, whenever but while you are at it, remember there is a God up there you’ll eventually report to.

    I agree the society is to be blamed but i have an issue with this victim mentality most of us women have. You see ehn, life itself is a choice. Truth is most of us know these things but like the writer rightly pointed out, it is easier to just flow with the norm, that is way more convenient. That way, you are at least seen as a ‘responsible’ person. As far as this society is concerned, I don’t see these sentiments going anywhere, anytime soon so we better brace up.

    All in all, we will not stop educating people and doing our bit. Hopefully with discussions like this, one more woman will come to know who exactly she is.


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