I read a blog yesterday and the topic was about virginity and how it is overrated. I read all the comments and arguments people put forth on either side. Some were purely sentimental, some full of vitriol and little dash of common sense, a lot of them were thoughtful arguments and well argued.
So, I sat for a while. Minutes actually (did you honestly think I was a deep thinker?). I decided to pen my thoughts on the matter.
We have held on to sentiments and traditions on so many subjects for so long. It would have been good but most times we hold them not because they are true but for its sentimental values. We never really question tradition and the few people who do are crucified. Some people take the middle ground and agree that most traditions are pointless, outdated and irrelevant to the society that we live in but still hold them because they are afraid to be seen as challenging culture.
Who is a virgin?
A: Merriam-Webster has this to say:
1 a: an unmarried woman devoted to religion
b: capitalized: virgo
2 a: an absolutely chaste young woman
b: an unmarried girl or woman
3 capitalized: Virgin Mary
4 a: a person who has not had sexual intercourse
b: a person who is inexperienced in a usually specified sphere of activity
5: a female animal that has never copulated
B: The free dictionary:
- A person who has not experienced sexual intercourse.
- A chaste or unmarried woman; a maiden.
- An unmarried woman who has taken religious vows of chastity.
- Virgin The Virgin Mary.
- Zoology A female insect or other arthropod that produces fertile eggs without copulating.
Did anyone notice the emphasis on the female? Now why is that?
A virgin is someone who has not had sexual intercourse. It includes both sexes but it is emphasized for the women. Historically, socially and culturally, much value has been placed on the female virginity.
Why? Because it is a proof that the woman is pure, innocent and inexperienced.
Why was this important? For the males, the head, the Lord and Master to unwrap his present and do whatever he likes with her and not suffer from bruised ego or his historically colossal self-doubt that someone have been there before him and might have out-done him. Because for the patriarchal, chauvinistic male, his ego and self-worth is tied to his sexual prowess.
Ah! Such heavy words from such a small boy abi? Have you not wondered how our grandfathers defined their maleness and manhood? By the number of wives and children they had! Imagine! They are strong and virile because they could hump numerous women and their sperms could penetrate and crush any female factor infertility, and produce offspring. Throw in another specifier, ability to produce plenty male children. If he has a barn full of female children then he is weak!
Thus, a female is defined by her sexual inexperience and ‘purity’. In some parts of Africa, virgin females are in high demand because they are a cure for HIV/AIDS!
Yet, there are many women who strut about brandishing their virginity like titles and so many more whose shoulders droop and who cannot lift up their heads because they are not virgins. Unconsciously, these women still succumb to a chauvinistic society and further inflame the massive ego of low self-esteemed males.
Oh, but it is biblical to keep virginity, I hear someone say. Thank you for raising that point! I am glad you did. Well, you should know that the bible did not drop from heaven and it was God that inspired men to write it. The bible contains both accounts of events that happened and the direct commandments of God to his people- Israel. I will have you know that Israel was a highly chauvinistic society. So it is no surprise that women too were subjugated. Is that what God wants? For women to be foot mats of men? To be treated anyhow and subject to the whims and caprices of men? Hell no!
If you want to follow the bible, then, all women worship singers, all women pastors and women evangelists and whatever title they are, should get the hell out of the pulpit and go sit down!. Haven’t they read it in the bible that the women should not talk at all in church? Even if they have questions, they should save it till when they are home and ask their husbands. And if they have an opinion…did I hear you say “opinion’? Whoever gives women the audacity to have opinions?! They should rather be submissive and just emulate the virtuous woman. The virtuous woman was well domesticated and industrious. That’s all the females are for biblically. The only woman who had an opinion and who talked about it was…you guessed it, Jezebel! Do you want to be ‘Jezebels’ women? Of course not.
But God who is wise and the Almighty decided to show that he does support equality and especially emancipation of women has at several times called women to lead his people. They have served as beacon of hope when there was darkness, they have been symbols of strength when there was despair and the hearts of men melted like wax inside them. They have been chosen to wax brazen and to go the extra mile for God and His kingdom. I talk about Deborah, about Katherine Kulman, Mary Semple and a host of others. They were leaders over men, and God called them!
So, why then do we subjugate women and make them feel worthless and impure over decisions about their body? She chose to have sex and to enjoy it, and her value has reduced! Really? So it is all about her hymen? Her intellect, industry, kind heart and her talents don’t count? Of course they don’t, all we want is a pretty face! A trophy and sexual object to gratify our egos.
Even women have been so brain-washed that they champion this cause. A man that has slept with so many women is the perfect husband for them, who are virgins. He will know how to please them well. He is Adonis, Eros. He will fulfill all their sexual fantasies! The height of deception.
Note that a man that has slept with so many women is the type that wants to get. He has slept with so many women not because he has been sent by God to please women but because he wants to get pleasure from as many women as possible. Women were pleasuring him, doing things to him that he has concocted out of his twisted imagination. He wants to sample them all, to know the feel of a buxomly woman, the tightness of she that has not been previously touched; the laxity of the one that has entertained a lot of masculine appendages; the perverseness of his many fantasies with she who is willing to grant him, because males are gods to be pleasured and to have all their whims and caprices fulfilled by womenfolk.
Ladies, the experienced man you are looking for believes that women were created for only one purpose and that is to pleasure men. And it is him you have been saving yourself for to pleasure you huh? I am sorry for you.
Is it a wonder that majority of women are not fulfilled sexually in marriage? Because they have allowed themselves to be enslaved by the tradition and mentality of a male concocted and chauvinistic society handed down by over bloated egotistic fathers and brainwashed, subservient and defeatists mothers.
Is it no wonder that men run around chasing women with impunity? They see, they chase, spend money and expect sex. They can’t understand when after spending all that money (chicken change really or stolen wealth) she still says no. how dare she? They rape and coerce because nobody focuses on them or their ‘purity’.
They then leave the women, their victims with a bag load of issues- guilt, low self-esteem etc. “I pray I see a good man to marry me because I am worthless, defiled and not a virgin” “this is too good to be true, I don’t deserve him, me that have spoilt myself with many men” “if he knows how many men that I have slept with will he still respect me and want me?”
Imagine the horror! The psychological trauma women go through, all because they chose to have sex! Things the men do for free and brag about! Haba!
What about the men? Who holds them accountable for their body count? Why is virginity not important to them? Why don’t we celebrate male virgins and invent a test too that will confirm their virginity? Hypocritical male dominated society!
Now, of what value is virginity? None! It doesn’t define you nor is it a proof that you are a better person. No it doesn’t mean you have the best character nor that you have the best self-control. No, you are merely a slave of male chauvinism, which is sadly deeply rooted in religion!
Because in Christ, it doesn’t matter whether you are a virgin or not, whether you are a Jew or Gentile; whether you are black or white; circumcised or not. In true Christianity, Christ alone is what matters and is sufficient!
Do not define yourself or your values or worth by your sexual history! Your value is dependent on who you believe in, the inner character and strength you painstakingly build, the sacrifices and diligence you invest in all areas of your life, your vision, your talents, and in your life’s purpose that you are spending all your life’s blood in achieving. Those are what defines you. God defines you by your strengths and not your weaknesses. If you doubt, then go and read about all the people he had used. He called them when they were wallowing in their weaknesses and He told them he had put a strength in them that He wanted to use.
So, you are not a virgin? When then? Abeg strut and lift up your heads high. So, you are a virgin? Ehen? Show me your worth because I have not seen anything yet.
You are not morally upright by being a virgin mind you. Because to be morally upright entails just more than having sex. If you backbite and gossip, you are a killer. If you are not honest, if you lie and cheat and defraud people, you do not have morals, in fact you are immoral. So please stop brandishing your virginity as a sign of your morality. We have heard, you do not have sex, thank you. What else do you have to say about your morals? Do you respect other people’s right? Do you insist on having your own way? Are you compassionate? Do you obey all other commandments of God, ye religious virgins?
Is Virginity a good thing? Absolutely. It is the first step to sanitizing the sexual perversion that is rampant in our society. Having sex has been so glorified that it has eroded the self-control we ought to have. The bible said that he that can control his body and bodily desires is greater than a warrior that captures a city. We should exercise restraint in all things, most especially in the areas of sex.
Sex is a beautiful thing, it was designed by God to be enjoyed and savored. It is the most pleasurable activity that we can engage in on earth. Legitimately that is. It has been set as an exclusive preserve of married couples. It is worth waiting for. It is a seal, the finally yielding of body and soul and heart. It is in this act that “two shall become one” is fulfilled. Sex is a union of heart and body, in that order.
It is magical, it is spiritual. It is not to be undertaken lightly. It is also consensual and not to be done under coercion or forced, not even among couples.
Note that sex involves stimulation of breast, genitals and other form of fore play. So if you do these acts and still claim to have not had sex and a virgin, you are misguided and ignorant. If you want to have sex by all means do! And stop the self-deceit. Being a virgin is nothing and not being a virgin is nothing. It is the way we have been subjugated.
In summary, have sex, don’t have sex, it doesn’t define you. A man or woman is not defined by his or her sexual history. If anyone places a value on you because of whether or not you are a virgin, resist and run; refuse that mental subjugation. If you define yourself by your virginity you are on a dangerous slope. You are more than your hymen. If you claim morality because of your virginity, you are self-deluded. If you claim righteousness by your virginity, you are wrong and ignorant of scriptures. Is this article encouraging people to start having sex? NO. It is trying to liberate people from the tradition that is making lots of people miserable.
Sex is by choice. It is fun, it is sweet and if you want to do it, do it! I will close with a quote from King Solomon “You who are young, make the most of your youth. Relish your youthful vigor. Follow the impulses of your heart. If something looks good to you, pursue it. But know also that not just anything goes; you have to answer to God for every last bit of it.” (Ecclesiastes 11:9 MSG)