I cannot love you
however much i want to
My heart belongs to another.
She read the words over and over again and allowed the feelings of sadness wash over her. She felt like her world was on a stand still- her heart had stopped beating and everything was frozen in place- and she was looking at the scene from a place far away. This was not real, this was a nightmare, a very vivid and bad dream.
Then the moment was over. The words were like the waves of the sea crashing against the shore. No, this was more like a tempest, a very angry sea, roaring with fury; like a wounded lioness mourning the loss of a cub.
The words reverberated and echoed so loudly in her head that she feared she was going to run mad.
I cannot love you…the words played over and over in her mind like a song on repeat in a music player.
She shut her eyes so tightly, trying to force the mantra to stop but it didn’t help. Rather, tears, hot and burning trailed down her cheeks. Soon, her whole body was shaking with sobs, with moans punctuating the silence as her heart shattered into a million pieces.
For her, this was the end. She was sure she would never recover from this. How could she? She had given her all; had loved him with all of her heart, and with every cell in her body.
God, it hurt! It hurt so badly. She was getting short of breath from the pain in her chest. Her heart was literally constricting in agony and she was sure she was going to die.
She laid on the bed and curled up into a ball waiting for death to come.
She did not hear the incessant ring of her cell phone nor the loud bangs on her door. She lay on the same spot for a whole day.
It was on the same spot that her friend found her on the evening of the second day. Her friend had let herself in with a spare key that she had given to her when she had first moved into the apartment. This was the first time her friend had used the key, when all her calls had gone unanswered.
She had been lying there and staring unblinking. After much shaking, her eyes flickered and gradually focused on her friend. When she spoke, her voice was hoarse and raspy.
“He left me. He said he couldn’t love me”
Her friend gasped and drew her into an embrace, wrapping her whole body around her and rocked her gently. The tears had come again, quietly trickling down her eyes and slowly building up to a torrential downpour. She didn’t know she still had any more tears left.
It had taken a week before she had the strength and will to leave her friend’s house. She had gone to the office to sign some documents and then take a two week leave. Her friend had insisted on it. She needed to get as far away as possible.
All through the arrangements, she was like a zombie. She acted like a dutiful child that did as she was told.
The first three days of their vacation, she had spent it indoors, just sleeping and eating and staring at the TV. She had refused to go out nor even leave her bed.
She pitied her friend who was at her wit’s end and frustrated trying to get her out. She was grateful for such a good friend.
So, on the fourth day, she agreed to go out to the beach. Her friend had stared unbelievingly when she had agreed at the first request. She had managed a weak smile which even broadened when her friend had whooped and danced at the new Kemi.
That was the beginning of her first step to recovery and healing. By the time they returned from their vacationing, she knew she was going to be alright. It was going to be hard and tortuous but she was determined.
The moment he pressed the send button, Dele, knew he had made a mistake. A grave one.
How could he be that cruel? He berated himself and smacked himself on the head.
“Oh Dele, you are such a dumb guy”, he muttered over and over.
He picked up his phone and dialed her number but it rang and rang but she did not pick and then the call was disconnected. He dialed her number again and again. He lost count after the tenth unanswered call.
He had panicked. He had been overwhelmed at the intensity of what he felt for her and it had scared him shitless. He didn’t know how to deal with his growing attraction for her and he had typed such a horrible text message to her.
If only he had thought things through.
Would that have changed anything? He wondered. Somehow, he felt he had taken the right decision but still it felt bad, and he felt sad. He really did like her and he may have led her on.
That was the ugly part. He had been too self-absorbed in his enjoyment of her company that he hadn’t given a thought to her feelings. Even when he had begun to notice, he hadn’t paused to ponder on it till yesterday when things had changed.
He had been watching a movie when he had heard a knock on the door. He had frowned as he paused the movie and moved to the door wandering who was at the door. He hadn’t been expecting any visitor. A smile had broken out on his face as he opened the door and stared at her wide smile.
She had looked gorgeous in a lemon green flare gown that stopped a few inches below her knee, accentuating her long legs which was adorned in a black wedge open toe shoes.
‘God, that smile’ he had thought with a sigh as he hugged her and caught a whiff of her perfume, Heat by Beyoncé. He had once told her how much he loved the smell of it. A potent pheromone he had called it eliciting a throaty laughter from her, a sound he never got tired of hearing.
It had been a pleasant surprise. She then joined him on the sofa and they settled to watch the movie together. Somewhere in the middle of the movie she had moved close and laid her head on his shoulder. It had felt good.
Absent-mindedly, he had played with her hair and then stroked her head gently. He had heard her sigh and close her eyes. His own heartbeat had picked up pace and his throat had become dry. Her smell had assaulted his nostrils as she snuggled closer and waves of hot and cold had washed over him making him to shudder. That was when the alarm bells had started ringing in his head.
He had shifted on the seat and the movement made her to turn her head towards him bringing her lips close to his. Their eyes had locked for what seemed like eternity but had only been a few seconds and the emotions that had been reflected in her eyes had sent every rational thought out of his mind. She had placed the palm of her right hand on his chest and then leaned forward and planted a kiss on his lips. It had been feather light and brief but was enough to ignite the flames of passion.
It had been in that moment that he had realized that he had always wanted to kiss her full sensuous lips and had wondered how her lips would feel against his. Now he knew. He also knew he wanted more.
He had held her face and kissed her tenderly and gently. The kiss had lasted forever and when they broke apart they had been hungry for more. What had followed was an intense and passionate love making, wild and yet tender. As he climaxed, he knew that he had fallen in love and that he wanted more.
So much more than he should ever hope for.