Quicksand

on

‘Why would God put a desire for someone in your heart, watch it grow and then squelch it? Why would He make you fall in love with someone and then tells you that you can’t have her? It’s just so unfair. Why does He do that? Because He can. It doesn’t matter that you are hurting or that you are in so much pain.’

It is for character building. Learning to resist the attraction and choosing right helps you have a strong character that prepares you for greater challenges where strength of will and self-discipline are needed for success.’

Bola sighed, as these thoughts swirled around in his mind and the voices argued back and forth. He was seated on the sofa with his legs folded underneath him and staring at the screen of his blackberry. The blackberry messenger window was open and he stared at a particular name.

He was lonely and he needed someone to talk to.

‘Falling in love was not part of the plan’.

‘Which plan? Who sets these so called plans? Aren’t we supposed to be in control? Isn’t there something called freewill?’

A line from Adjustment Bureau, a Hollywood movie he had recently watched flashed across his mind. “Freewill is an illusion….mankind is not capable of handling his own destiny”

He sighed again. He really was lonely but not because of the absence of people around or that he was alone.

It was the absence of her.

He thought of the possible reasons he couldn’t have her, why having her would be bad for him. He could not think of any. She acted childish most times and whines when she doesn’t get what she wants but she has a warm personality and he had never felt more alive than when he was with her.

‘Maybe it is because with her, you are content just to be. You do things together and allow her to dictate the things that you do and it doesn’t matter that you abandon your passions and your dreams. She is enough for you. Maybe you are meant for something bigger, better and greater? Something bigger than you, something that will change the lives of many and she wouldn’t allow you to achieve this’

‘But what is wrong in her being enough? At least there will be happiness and bliss!’

‘Your life is not to be lived for yourself alone or the things that bring you happiness alone. Your life’s purpose is bigger than you’

‘And this pain is also part of the plan? This pain is the bigger-than you life’s purpose? It is not possible to have what you want and still achieve great things? Must you lose your most prized treasure in trying to achieve greatness? When you achieve the great feat, who will be there to celebrate it with you? Would it all make meaning at the end? Will it not be empty without the person you so much wanted to share it with?’

He longed for her, more now. He needed her. Only she could make the ache in his heart go away, the ache that he thought would go with the passage of time but which had remained a dull aching pain, which had periods of exacerbation where it was almost unbearable to breathe. Like now.

It had been easier to bear when she had stayed away and was aloof. Now, she had begun to warm up to him again and to come around often, asking after his welfare and just being generally friendly. He couldn’t bear it. It was too much to handle.

He wanted her and yet he didn’t. It was a peculiar situation, a dilemma, a quagmire of desire and the demands of duty and what is right, a quicksand into which he was fast sinking.

‘If there was ever hell, this is it’. He thought despondently.

“I miss you” he whispered, eyes glued to the name displayed on the phone screen. “I am stuck, I can’t move on, I need you”

‘Then tell her. Call her right now and tell her.’

He looked through their earlier chats and sighed. He had been cold when she had been all warm and fuzzy, he hadn’t been able to handle the warmth. He knew he had hurt her and felt the faint stirring of guilt.

‘It was necessary’, he argued, trying to quench the guilt. ‘She caused it; she was the one that—‘

‘Quit whining! What is done is done, you need to move on with your life.’

‘What if you could have her back? What if you tell her how you really feel? You know she likes you right? You two can make things right and make it work

‘You can’t be serious! It can never work, it is too complicated. It is a rope tied up in many knots that you can figure where to start untying it’

All week, he had been reliving memories of their time together. Stolen moments that nurtured their forbidden love and fanned the flame of passion. Those times when all that mattered was being with each other and shutting out the world, moments that held promise of something that would last forever, of their love being able to overcome all obstacles in their way. Flickering moments that was snuffed out when she decided that it was too hard fighting for them to be together.

‘If only she hadn’t made that choice’ he thought ruefully, ‘things would have been different’

‘Good different or bad different?’

His phone vibrated distracting him from his thoughts. It was a broadcast about the efficacy of salt water in preventing Ebola virus epidemic. He could not believe that people could be so gullible enough as to believe such a ridiculous claim.

‘Do people not read anymore?’ he wondered. All that was needed was an internet access and they could get all the facts about the disease and its prevention. They would rather believe hearsays than find the truth for themselves. It was pathetic. All that was needed to contain the spread was good hand washing practice with soap and water, avoid eating primate meat, and contact with anyone with the suspected disease.

‘Pathetic. That word describes you, you know? Pining after a woman while engaged to another! Who would have thought that the high and mighty Bola would find himself in such murky waters?’

‘Name calling won’t do you any good, neither will beating yourself up. You have to find a way to deal with this.’

“How” he asked aloud. How does one deal with this? Loving someone so deeply that it hurts every second you are without her and feeling so much warmth by just seeing her, wanting her so much that nothing else matters?

‘you simply breath and put one foot in front of the other, taking each moment as it comes, one day at a time, learning to accept that it wasn’t meant to be and gradually letting go, one bit at a time’

His phone beeped and he looked at the screen. It was a BBM message

“Hey Baby” it was from his fiancée

He was about to reply when another BBM message entered.

“Hi dearie, how have you been?” it was from her.

Advertisements

25 Comments Add yours

  1. Walt Shakes says:

    Ah yes, that slippery slope when you desire someone who isn’t the one by your side. How do we get ourselves in situations like this? When your response is ‘I couldn’t help it’, then it lends credence to the Hollywood snippet ‘Freewill is an illusion….mankind is not capable of handling his own destiny’, doesn’t it?

    1. topazo says:

      sometimes we just can’t get our heart to listen to what our head is telling us….I seriously question freewill myself…

  2. Yemie says:

    Oh Shocker! Now this gives a total and complete credence to one of the captions that one of your poems carry that reads ‘ Meeting you was fate, Being your friend was by choice but Falling in love with you, I had absolutely no control over’! I’ve read this beautiful piece over and over and over again for the umpteenth time and I’m just stunned speechless! Quicksand’s a very befitting title, its a grave dilemma that Bola finds himself, the horror! ‘Falling in love was not part of the plan he says’, and I say sometimes, love happens even when one’s not out scouting or ‘shopping’ for it! It just comes around, finds one and then like a pesky bug; seizes one by the butt and one’s left at its mercy, against one’s better judgment! All walls and firmly held beliefs come crashing down like a pack of cards! Like those never even existed or mattered. One’s inner panic’s at a fever pitch and that’s when it occurs to you and dawns on you that you’ve been had! Dealt a blow by the powers that be! Like the rationale of the producers of the thriller, Adjustment Bureau; I always say we’re pawns in the hands of our Maker, characters in an already scripted stage play, just acting out our parts! Our freewill lies in those choices we eventually make concerning the issues we’re saddled with. I love Bola’s train of thoughts, he’s very intelligent, that one; a really deep thinker I find him!

    I also love how you threw in the Ebola scourge thingy that’s doing a number on everyone at the moment. The fear’s REAL and everyone’s so darned paranoid! The scare’s driving all ‘loogu’! That was very thoughtful plus timely too. We could all use any information we can get ’bout it at this time. Knowledge is power! This piece though, I just cannot seem to get enough of it; its ‘fetching’ and a classic for shizzie! Well done! LOOL

    1. topazo says:

      lol @ love being a ‘pesky bug’….you and words ehn
      love…such a complex emotion…the things it does to one…
      Bola is in deep shit and why won’t he wax philosophical? nothing love no dey turn man to…
      thanks for your thoughtful comments…they are always appreciated and cherished..

  3. theshaione says:

    This is nice. It is a rather unfortunate situation to find one’s self in…and I do not envy Bola.

    Is dis going to be a serial? I would be looking to read more…

    For a lot of people, dey still maintain it is “not possible to love two women at d same time. “

    1. topazo says:

      Hi, theshaione, welcome to my blog. thanks for dropping a comment, it means a lot
      I don’t know if there will be a sequel..but let’s not rule it out completely.
      please stick around and read other posts…and drop your thoughts on them. Thanks

  4. theshaione says:

    I don’t know…but, I believe it is possible.

    1. topazo says:

      it is possible…I know this on first hand basis…stories of people around me.
      Love….such complex emotion!

      1. theshaione says:

        It wld be interesting to hear the ladies ‘ thoughts on ds.

        Meanwhile, I didn’t know ds was u, Topazo. Chei!!!!

        Been a while …. 🙂

        1. topazo says:

          yes o…invite all your lady friends to come share their thoughts..

          thanks o…na me be this o…hope to see more of you around here

          1. theshaione says:

            I don’t av ‘lady friends’. …

            1. topazo says:

              female friends nko?

              1. theshaione says:

                Not those either….

                1. topazo says:

                  i rest my case then….
                  that’s strange though…

                  1. theshaione says:

                    Yes nah….like u don’t this before now?

  5. surelaa says:

    I never wish to be in Bola’s shoes!At all!!!
    And Yh, it’ll be beautiful to know what happens next or you know, something like that!!!
    this is a really nice one.👍👍👍👍👍

    1. topazo says:

      thanks sola…
      nobody wants to be Bola..it is not a nice place to be

  6. Dr2103 says:

    Ah! I really can picture this. Quicksand huh? It’s just sad. Feelings and what they do to us sometimes!

    “We’d murder love if we could, for leading us to paths we’d rather not tow.”

    This is a lovely piece. 🙂

    1. topazo says:

      Thanks…the other side of the coin is that love can be a beautiful thing….
      if only we can choose who we love…the heart is often times treacherous, leading us down paths we would rather not….down the boulevard of pain…

  7. Asher. says:

    For lack of a better expression, let me say I stumbled upon this blog, and a pleasant stumble it has been… particularly especially on this Quick sand (Part 1) prose… I can boldly suffix the title with “part 1” because unlike other comments before me… I’ve engaged my rusty ol’ Time machine… It needed a little engine tinkering though but it still fired up and after travelling to the future….. I saw a Quicksand 2. So really it’s not really stumbling per se.. Because I knew there was a part 1 when I saw a part 2..ooooooookay..*speaks toself*.. *Just drop your comment and move along.. Ahh ahh.. Must everybody know you have free WiFi.. Hehe*

    I think free will would always be an illusion to and for some people, people who would always blame the cause of their actions and decisions on happenstance and chance.. Personally I think free will does exist and it’s a choice… A conscious committed dedication to the reality that no matter how overwhelmed I am by the forces that be for or against a situation, it still remains my exclusively preserved right to choose to do what I please… Love is not as powerful and overly overpowering as we think, it’s always a choice.. At the very basic level, there’s always a choice involved to loving someone. Some of us are just too lazy to reach deep down into our inner recesses to tap from that force…it’s the same force that fuels a man who has never killed before, to pick up a gun to shoot and kill an armed robber in self defence.. But Instead we would rather blame the so called “marionetting” power of love that leaves us hopeless and powerless. A very very beautifully written piece… Make I go read Quick Sand 2..*shinesYellowTeeth*

    1. topazo says:

      Hi Asher, welcome, and just so you know, you aren’t going no where. i so love your comments! so, you can’t leave…

      i agree with you, Love is a choice. making that choice however is not easy. sometimes, you can’t help who you fall in love with, but you can choose what to do with what you feel for them.

      oya, quick go comment on part 2, i am waiting eagerly

  8. Asher. says:

    Hehehe… Ofcourse ofcourse I’m not going anywhere… Can’t you feel my presence hovering over this blog like the ghost of Hitler over Germany? Little wonder they won the world cup… Lol. big ups to your brilliance!

    1. topazo says:

      oh yes i can feel your presence…lol.
      thanks!

  9. seunodukoya says:

    Food for thought. Who will do the dishes?!

    Well done.

So, what do you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s