Addiction has been defined as a chronic relapsing illness. This means that there would be times where there will be remissions and there would be times of exacerbations. Things are always peachy during the times of the remissions and we are almost tempted to think that all is well and that we are finally free.
Then comes the period of exacerbation and we are once again dealing with the urges as they comes in waves and crashes over us and threatening to drown us. At those times, we are faced with a choice to ride the storm out or simply give in to the urges and let go.
The urges are usually intense and fighting them usually seems baseless because it looks as if in the end we are going to give in. they seem too strong to overcome and we ask ourselves what is the point of fighting when we are going to lose anyways. It is always easier to give in than to fight.
What usually serve as the hardest to fight are the memories of the pleasures that assault our senses. We remember the high, we can almost taste it on our tongues and the picture is vivid in our mind’s eyes. At this we almost come undone and we feel that grip on sanity begin to waver.
One question that helps at this point is ‘’after the high, then what next?’’.
This question is of utmost importance in helping to decide what is important at that critical point. The fact that we are fighting the urges in the first place means that we are tired of the cycle of highs and lows and the terrible guilt we feel afterwards. So, remembering the feelings of guilt and self-disgust that usually accompanies the high is a good armor we should always employ in fighting the urges when they come and are unrelenting. When the memories of the high come, we should also call up to mind the feeling of shame and self-loathing that follows. ’After the high, what next?’
Let’s hear what victor says
‘’I was in the house alone on a Saturday and I was surfing the net and generally having a nice time. I checked the wall clock and realized that the day was far gone and I had some errands to do in town. I stood up from the couch and headed to the room to change and get into the shower.
That was when it hit me. I felt the wave starting from my groin and spreading to all parts of my body and that familiar ache that I had come to dread. The image of the act and the pleasures came into my mind and for several minutes I stood rooted to a spot and allowing the image drift past in my mind’s eye.
Without thinking my hand was already moving towards my groin and was playing with my scrotum. I was enjoying the images playing out in my head. I was imagining having sex with a dear friend, and introducing her to the pleasures of sex, she being inexperienced.
Just as the images where playing in my head, a warning signal was sounding in my heart ‘you don’t want to go down this path’. It was clear though gentle. Then a question rose in my head ’after all those things, what next?’
That jarred me back forcefully. I realized that I had no answer to the question. I was so focused on the immediate pleasures that i was going to derive from masturbating while fantasizing about sex with my friend that I had not thought about what happens after my desires have been sated.
I then began to recall how I usually feel after masturbating. The self-loathing and disgust that follows, the guilt and feelings of being dirty that predominate. These feelings usually overshadow the pleasures I derive from the act.
I took a deep breath and eased it out slowly. It was not worth it I concluded, and even though I still felt the pulsing and ache lower down, I made for the bathroom and had my shower, dressed up and left the house.
Then I remembered to add today to the list of days that I stayed sober. Today, I get to do the victory dance.’’