Can a guy be in love with more than one lady? This is the question on my mind as I enter my house from a friend’s house.
Lately, I have begun to see her as more than a friend. I feel good when I am around her and a sense of loss when I have to be away or leave. There is this warm, tender feeling and that ache that needs her presence and wants to be with her always. I want to hold her and play with her fingers and feel her head on my shoulders as she snuggles close. I want to feel her hands on my chest as she curls up beside me. And I want to kiss her so badly! That is the urge that I find so irresistible.
All this feelings would have been welcome save for one tiny detail. I have a girlfriend. We have been seeing each other for one year plus now and I totally love her. She is the first girl that I can be myself with. I don’t have to pretend or try to please her. I can dance freely (and trust me, I do not know how to dance, I totally have two left feet) and do my funny faces. She makes me laugh and we play rough plays together. Plus, she loves me to pieces. She gives freely and totally likes my friends. She is the perfect girlfriend. Now, that is not a tiny detail, it is a big deal.
I have been trying to squash that tiny spark of affection that I feel for my friend. I try to call my girlfriend more and get more intimate but there is a part of me that doesn’t find joy unless I have seen my friend. The part that misses her and longs for her. Now I do not know whether these feelings are love or crush but I know that they cannot be good, they might be the beginning of a very bad blow on my relationship. Worse, I could cheat on my girlfriend and I do not want to even consider the implication of that.
I believe firmly in faithfulness to one partner, staying together ‘’till death do us part’’. Even if I am not legally married to her, I have made a commitment to her and I like to think that I am the kind of man that sticks to his promises. So what do I do?
The logical thing to do will be to withdraw from my friend. It sounds so easy but it isn’t that easy. She is my study partner and we study together daily. In the course of our friendship, she has come to trust me and opened up to me a great deal. She has told me things she hadn’t told any other person and that makes her feel free with me. Withdrawing from her won’t be easy.
Trying the subtle approach is definitely out of the question. She will notice and I would have no ready answer to tell her why I am withdrawing. Telling her about my growing attraction to her is also not an option. She is very sensitive and that would hurt her deeply because she has often said that she is happy that she has finally found a guy that she can relate with who is not her friend for selfish benefits and who is not looking to date her. Telling her would mean that she has misjudged me and that I am just like every other guys. That would hurt me too, because I never meant to fall for her.
Looking back now, I realize that I probably should not have moved so close to her. When we first met, I had a huge crush on her and would catch myself daydreaming of engaging in a lip lock with her somewhere at work but away from prying eyes. I think it must have been the crush that made me go close to her. But the crush had faded or so I thought and now it is coming to haunt me.
On the other hand, if I do not do something, I fear a situation when the attraction will become mutual. Now, I think she sees me as a friend and a brother but every now and then I catch a gesture that is not in keeping with that depiction of me. Linking fingers, playing with my toes and touches here and there. Maybe it is just me that is interpreting these that way, seeing as I am already hooked. Or maybe not, these are things she wasn’t doing before.
I know what I must do. I must talk to myself, in candid words. I cannot be attracted to her. Nothing can ever happen between us. I must remain faithful to my girlfriend. I love my girlfriend.
Although there are arguments to these words in my mind, I must keep speaking them till all the dissenting voices are silenced. Yes, I know that I cannot control whom I am attracted to especially if she has all the qualities I want in a life partner, but I can control what I do with the attraction. It is true that nobody says nothing can happen between us but I choose to love my girlfriend especially as I have no indication to leave her. I feel at peace when I picture my future with her, and love is not all about feelings and attractions. I said I love my girlfriend, not only because of the warm, mushy feelings but because I chose to, and I choose her all over again.
I don’t know what will happen tomorrow, but I know what I will do today. I will make efforts to remember how blessed I am to have a girl that loves me and that I love, and to have a friend that trusts me enough to share her best kept secrets with me. I will make effort to truncate anything that threatens to betray that trust. It will not be easy but by God, I will try my utmost best.