It is past eleven in the night. I stretch and yawn and look away from my computer screen. There is a familiar tug at my heart. A yearning, a hunger, and I know what it means.
I miss Him.
I kneel down and bow my head. It is been three days since I last said a prayer. I wonder why God would even bother with such an unserious fellow like me. I know I wouldn’t take me serious.
I pause. What do I want this time? I want so many things; I want to be famous, I want to be known for something, I want to be somebody in life. My greatest fear is that I would be a nobody and be ordinary. I fear that I would die a nameless person…
….who will be missed by friends and family
‘Yeah right, like that is all that matters.’ I think to myself ‘It is not enough to occupy space and have mass, nor be a good person. What is really important is impact. Value. Influence.’
I want that. Scratch that, I need that.
“Dear God” I say and pause.
‘Relax’ I say to myself, ‘All you ever do is ask and whine about this and that. You always focus on what you want or need, where you want to be and how you aren’t fortunate enough and circumstances don’t favor you. Take a few minutes and do focus on what you have, the people that think you are amazing and the things that make you happy’
“Father, I just want to thank you for all you have done and all that You are. I thank you for the way you created me and all that You have deposited in me. For all the ways it could have turned out wrong and all the ways You have made it right, I thank You”
The words roll of my tongue and I am having a good time praising God.
‘You do know what this means right?’ my mind whispers ‘There is a storm coming’
A storm. I know what it means all too well. A personal failing, a dent on my character, another chunk yanked off the minuscule integrity I have left. Soon, I will be left bereft of any iota of integrity; they will be all gone and I would cease to be. Alive, yes, but a living dead.
“Have mercy on me o God” I cry, all trace of mirth gone. “Hide me under your wings till the evil is gone”
I pray with all the energy I have in me. I have made so many bad choices and still live with the consequences. I do not want to make any more bad choices and it seems that is all I do these days. Ironically, those bad days come when I think I have prayed up and in the right frame of mind and right with God. Those are times when I make the biggest mistakes. It has happened repeatedly that I have refrained from praying. At least not regularly.
‘What makes you think you can just badge into God’s presence and make demands?’ my mind taunts.
Because you know My name
The voice was soft and gentle but it creates a ripple of emotions. It was totally unexpected and it was accompanied by a calmness, a relief of tension and a surge of hope. Then there is disbelief, did I really hear Him? Or was I so desperate for comfort that I assumed I heard something?
I couldn’t be sure. I was Peter, outside the safety of the boat- which though was being tossed by the wind was a sure hold- but far away from Jesus and surrounded by the howling winds and uproarious sea. It was overwhelming, and I could feel myself sinking, just like Peter, even though I had heard His word.
“Yes Lord, I know your name, you are Jehovah. You are my savior, save me” I plead
“Save me” I say in a whisper of desperation “save me, please Lord”. I do not know what more to say, fear has made me weak and in trepidation. I could already see myself in the deep dark dungeon. “Save me, oh God” it was a desperate attempt at clutching to life, holding on to life. The life of God.
Because you know My name, I will help you, I will deliver you
It is settled. The storm is calm and all fear is dissipated.
I can breathe easy, and this I do, taking a deep breath, holding it and exhaling slowly, allowing the tension to ease out with each expired air.
I stand up and go to bed. One thought escorts me on my journey to dreamland
I know His name.
Author’s note: Do you know His name? The storms of life only answers to His word, spoken only in response to those who call on His name.